I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
