I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
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at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
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I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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