On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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