So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
