Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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