There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
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Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
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When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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