I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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