Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
