I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
