How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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