sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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