he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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