Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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