Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
