I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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