They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
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Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
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He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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