pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
