I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
