they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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