Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
