I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
