Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
