I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
