Its about making memories worth repressing
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
