the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Randomize
