my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
