Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
