Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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