3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
