I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
