I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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