I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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