I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
