The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
