There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
