my phone needs a breathalizer
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
