Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
