I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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