I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
