Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
