sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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