oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
