dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
