im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
