Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
