why didn't you poke me back
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
