Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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