Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
