My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
