I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
