I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
