I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
