True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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