The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
