I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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