I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
