I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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