between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
