remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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