I could have mohawked her pubes.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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