I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
