You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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