you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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