you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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